People cross boundaries with the best of intentions, truly believing they’re being helpful, but actually causing harm, irritation, or discomfort. How do we handle this? How do we protect our boundaries?

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Last week, we were sitting in a bank waiting for our names to be called out.

We’d taken my little niece, she’s about a year and a half old. She was running around playing, smiling at people. She has this huge smile and she’s very, very friendly and curious. Toddling around the place like a little drunkard because she can’t walk straight yet. But she still runs everywhere.

She’d basically become the centre of attention at the place.

There was a lady sitting a few chairs away. Baby toddled up to her and smiled. And this lady took out a chocolate and offered it to the kid. Before my niece could grab it I picked her up and told the lady, “oh, no, thank you”. She said, “why?” I said, “we don’t give processed sugary stuff to her yet.”

By then my niece had scratched my face like a little cat! And she was like, what happened? Here she was about to take something. She had no idea what it was. She didn’t know it was a chocolate, but she knew it was something in a colourful wrapper and she wanted it. But I picked her up, away from it. She was so angry and irritated.

I quietly indicated that the lady put it away. Then I put her down, back on the floor again and she got distracted. But it took a while for this whole thing to happen.

See, this is the thing, right? Like, the lady had good intentions, I guess?

She’s like, “I’ll make a baby smile. Here’s a cute baby laughing, playing around. And the baby’ll smile at me also and talk to me if I offer her a chocolate.”

It’s kind of a very normal thing to do, I suppose. But she didn’t wait for a moment to even ask, the parents or me or anybody, the adult near the kid. She didn’t wait to ask, “is it okay?” Didn’t check with us! “Is it okay to give chocolate to this kid?” She didn’t check to see if it’s safe for the kid to have it.

Yes, there are things like allergies and whatnot, but also it could be as simple as maybe it’s too close to meal time. It was in the afternoon. We shouldn’t give candy to a kid at that time. She didn’t think of any of that in that moment, she just pulled out a candy from her bag and offered it to a child.

I of course smiled and politely declined, but I was very firm about it.

This is the way boundaries get crossed.

When we talk about boundaries, having strong boundaries and making sure to protect our boundaries in in work, in life, creativity, business, wherever, whichever area of life…when we talk about our personal boundaries, we think that the person not respecting the boundary is somebody who’s maybe aggressive or forceful. Which, yes, in a lot of cases, that’s true.

But in many cases, the person who’s crossing your boundary isn’t realising they’re doing it. You know, they they’re basically unaware of it. And they do it thinking that they’re being helpful or nice or friendly or whatever, like with the best of intentions.

And these are the situations where learning to say no is an art.

How do you handle it? Because if somebody’s being forceful or aggressive, it’s very easy to be able to dismiss them, or also be quite strong and confident and bold and forceful ourselves. You know, defend our boundaries.

But if somebody’s doing it in a nice way, what do you do? How do you handle it?

The first step is realising that somebody’s crossing a boundary.

So you’re not obliged to say yes, or listen to them, or accept whatever it is they’re offering you (in many cases). Like free advice or an introduction to somebody you probably don’t want to work with. Something like that. It could be many things.

Especially when it comes to business, people are always…if they like your business, if they like the work you’re doing, they’re always coming with their good intentions and their own opinions. Thinking they’re being helpful without really knowing what’s happening in the background. Not really understanding the business, they tend to do that.

Or if you’re creating art, writing a book, doing something, people come up with suggestions which have not been invited.

We didn’t ask for suggestions, right?

Or for example, recently a friend of mine was talking about this. They were writing something and they’re not sure what it’s going to be. It could be a novel, a screenplay…they knew it’s going to be something, but not really sure what it is. They allowed themselves to be involved in the creative process.

And then, when they shared it with somebody, that person immediately started directing them and giving advice and suggestions because they’re from the publishing industry or something like that. They’re like, you can do this, you shouldn’t do that, change this, that…

So she felt very pressured, “this was like a free, chilled out activity for me. Now I’m feeling pressured to make something of it. Before I wasn’t sure whether I’m going to make something of this or not. I was just doing it for the sake of it. But now I’m being pressured to do it.”

That’s a crossing of boundaries with good intentions. With the intention of being helpful, but really not being very helpful.

So, you’re not obliged to accept any of this, or listen to these suggestions, advice, or accept something that’s being given to you. Like in this case with the baby, the chocolate. You’re not obliged to take it to be polite.

Understanding that is important because you have a right to your boundaries. Once you understand it, you have the confidence to say, “then I’m not obliged”.

“Somebody’s crossing a boundary, even in a very small way, without meaning harm, but also, you know, being harmful unintentionally. So they are crossing a boundary. I have a right to have my boundary. I’m not obliged to say yes to the crossing of this boundary in any way. And therefore, it’s okay for me to say no. It’s okay for me to refuse, walk away, cut the conversation, turn away.”

Very simply say, “No. Thank you so much, but I don’t need your advice.”

And finally, because you’re so confident and because you’re making it very clear what a boundary is, you’ll be able to say it in such a way that you’re not being hurtful. At least from your end you’re doing it in a very kind way. The saying “no” and the refusal comes very kindly. The reason you’re able to naturally do it in a kind way is because of your confidence.

So then, it becomes like a matter of fact.

You’re not fighting for it, you’re not being defensive. Your boundaries are a matter of fact. This is what it is.

When you make it so matter of fact, the other person doesn’t feel so bad either. And now, despite all this if there are people who get hurt or pissed off whatever, that too bad. That doesn’t matter. You don’t have to be afraid of that.

Many times when we’re protecting our own schedules, our boundaries, being true to ourselves, our authenticity, when we’re protecting that, people sometimes will get pissed off. And if they do, they do. They really weren’t meant to be a part of your life. So you definitely don’t owe them anything.

And of course, the more you learn to make it clear what your boundaries are…because sometimes you can’t tell people, you need to show them only by following it yourself, believing in yourself, just through your actions, your behaviours…

People realise these boundaries are there even without actually registering it as a boundary.

Like because they see you following certain things, they’ll also figure out that, yeah, this is the way it is.

For example, in my case, I don’t start my days early. I prefer to begin my day later in the morning, like my post brunch and everything. And then, even if I plan anything for the day, it’s at minimum noon. Nothing that says AM is allowed. This is what it is. So I make sure everybody who knows me knows that.

Like, if you’ve been listening to the podcast, you probably already know that. I’ve mentioned it before. So people are very clear about that.

Even if I get an opportunity to work somewhere, the person I’m working with sees this is the way I am and they ensure things are scheduled for the second half of the day.

A few weeks ago, you probably listened to the episode with my friend Chef Ram, we were on the way to teaching a workshop at this college quite far away. This vegan cooking workshop. That was in the afternoon because the person who organised it is someone we work with quite often. Mudra from HSI, Human Society International/India. She knows it so well now that when she’s organising an event with a college, even without checking with us she herself ensures it’s happening in the second half of the day. Pretty cool, no?

And this has happened because of the example, because of just showing what we are rather than just saying it repeatedly.

So show your boundaries, don’t only say them. You respect your own boundaries and automatically they get seen.

It’s not even a deal then. Not one big thing. It’s just who you are. That’s it. That’s what it becomes.

And most importantly, when you learn to set your boundaries, make them strong, completely embrace them for who they are, and be yourself for who you are, then automatically you’ll start recognising other people’s boundaries, and you also won’t cross them.

You will know how to respect them quite easily and you’ll be understanding about it. And that’s important.

In this way, we build a better culture of stronger boundaries over time.

When it comes to, yeah, life, as I said, but also work, creativity, running a business, you know, boundaries between your team members and you, between your customers and you, so much, so much there.

So yeah, that’s it. Just a reminder to respect your own boundaries and respect other people’s boundaries too.

If you like this episode of The Feel Good Factor, then I’d love to hear your thoughts on it, your takeaways, and also your ideas on how you make sure your boundaries are strong and respected and maintained. And how you learned over time – the hard way, the easy way, how you’ve learned the importance of setting your boundaries and keeping them strong and solid.

Drop me a voice note. You can tell me about this episode or any episode you love on this podcast. And I’ll share it in one of the upcoming episodes.

All right! Thank you so much for listening to The Feel Good Factor. Talk to you again next week. Take care. Bye.

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Susmitha Veganosaurus

“I read voraciously, find humour in most things, and I’m most in my element when I’m teaching, writing, and playing with clay. I believe authenticity and kindness are the keys to world peace. Sign up for myfree newsletterwhere I share conversational emails with stories about Life and Business Tips, Vegan Hacks, Holistic Guidance, and more.“

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